Finals Around the Corner

Apparently I'm not very good about keeping up with this blog. I'll think about writing something but then I don't end up doing it. I think right now I only started writing because I'm feeling depressed. I have been for the past week or so. I feel on the verge of tears multiple times throughout the day; I think a big part of it is loneliness. I have some friends here, and am even starting to make new ones, but I miss my friends at home. I'm sure it all coincides with finals and stress, though I hardly ever feel like I'm stressed.

Loneliness... I go through these phases all the time, I feel like I always have, and always bounce back, but I feel it more now. I don't think I've wanted to cry so much in a long time. 







I have last priority to register for classes, which really sucks. I'll have to work to crash classes and stuff so I can stay a full-time student (having 12+ units). Most of the classes I want and need are already half full, and this was only the first week or registration. I don't go until the 1st of December.

I'm worried about not passing my Chem class. I went down to a 70.3% or so because I keep getting D's on the midterms. The most frustrating part is that I knew how to do everything, I just can't do it nearly as fast enough to finish the test. I started getting better grades on my quizzes though, which has bumped me back up to a 73.4%, but we have another midterm on Monday. I might do better on it since the material isn't as involved (lewis structures, ionization energies, quantum numbers), but we'll see. If I could scrape out a B on this test I would be so happy. That of course probably requires me to keep studying, but since I feel like crap I don't feel like doing anything.

I haven't done the homework to review for my Stats quiz either, which is also on Monday (he doesn't collect it). I have a B in that class right now, but if I don't get a B or better on the final -- which isn't cumulative, thank god-- I could drop down to a C, since he curves the class. As for my Meat class I'm pretty content with where I am. I got high B's on both midterms, so if I can do that or better on the final, and get an A in the Lab, he might just give me an A. My GPA really needs that A... Then there's Philosophy. Apparently my projected grade is a D+ and I'm not completely sure why, which is also kinda depressing.

Of Grades and Injuries

I have been really lazy lately, and slightly swamped with work. My schedule keeps me busier than I had anticipated, with me being out most days from when I leave at 8:30am till about 7-10pm depending on the day. I took two midterms on friday, one in Meat Science and one in Chem. I feel like I did really well on the Meat one, and I just got my Chem one back today and got a D. I was kinda expecting it because I didn't get to finish the test, but it still sucks. I have decent grades on all the quizzes and lab reports so far, so hopefully I can start doing better since I know Chem and all the other sciences are super important for my GPA. I also got a 91 on my first Stats test :] Here's hoping I can keep it up. Oh, and I made hot dogs last week in my meat lab, haha. Haven't eaten them yet though!

The week before last was not the best week for me. I went shopping at Costo with a friend, and on the way back to the bus stop I tripped and fell on the concrete. Usually when I fall I land on my knees, and knees + hard concrete = ouch. So I lugged my backpack filled with goodies all the way back up the hill to my apartment on campus and was so tired. Later on in the week it was 3am, my roommate (yes, I did end up getting a roommate, and she's really nice!) wasn't home yet, and I had dirty dishes on my desk to take into the kitchen. I stand up, plate, bowl, and glass in hand, and turn to walk towards the door... then I'm not sure if I tripped over my baggy pyjamas or just thin air, but trip I did. Landed on my knees again (more ow), and after the shock of that I saw that I had shattered my glass, chipped my BRAND NEW plate in several places, and yet the bowl remained undamaged, even though it's made of glass too. After this new shock wears off, I notice my hand is bleeding, quite a lot actually.

First thing I do is try to gather up the shards of glass (the plate was actually stoneware, so that might explain the chipping, but the chips literally flew everywhere. I found some pieces up in my bed, which is like 4 feet off the ground). My hand is still bleeding, and actually dripped a bit onto the carpet. Luckily its the ugly multicolored motel kind that you can't see stains too clearly on. So I clean up glass, take it into the kitchen and leave it on the counter. I think the cleaning people must have taken it because I just left it there and it vanished. Then I rinse my hand off, study my cut for a moment or two because I was really interested on how this tiny little cut was bleeding so much (and even more interested in how fast it closed up, it's practically healed now), and bandage it up. Go to clean up the extra little pieces of glass that I missed, drag the vacuum out of the closet in the living room, can't figure out how to turn it on for a good 5 minutes or so, and suck anything I missed up. There was also a big wet spot on the floor because the glass had water in it when I dropped it.

I was really more irritated at the fact that I had just gotten these plates, and I REALLY like them, and I already broke one of them... Also I now only have 3 glasses, and one of them I used for scooping my fish last year so I don't really want to drink out of it. I was also glad my roommate wasn't there, because if she saw me fall it would have been embarrassing as hell :c

And then, later in the week again, I woke up with a really bad pain in my neck. I'm not sure if it was a pinched nerve or a really bad muscle pain but I hurt a lot to move in a certain way or lift my arm. More recently this week my knee has been bothering me a bit. It's probably from falling so much (because the first day of school I also slipped and fell off a wall, smacking my knee into it)... I only notice it when I go to sit cross-legged, it really hurts but goes away after a while, like if something was stretching out. Then when I straighten my leg out again it hurts just as much, and gradually lessens. If I lean down on my knee, like when climbing into bed it also hurts. I'm hoping it'll go away soon cause it's really annoying. This is super long and was sort of pointless, I just talked about me getting hurt, haha. I plan to write again soon~

Plans for the new school year

I've been looking forward to school starting, but also not wanting summer to be over. I've never been one to have a ton of people to hang out with, but I'm realizing now that I do have good friends, and most of them are waiting for me at home. I don't want to go back because I notice more and more how much I miss my friends here when I'm away; and I think they miss me, too. It was hard last year because I tended to stay in my room all the time, playing games and zoning out. Overall I want this year to be better.

Me and my roommate last year didn't talk at all. There wasn't a fight that led up to it; it was a gradual thing where we just stopped talking and generally acknowledging one another's presence. I don't know how she felt about it, but it was extremely uncomfortable for me. A major thing was her often having this guy over and hooking up while I was "sleeping," which I never said anything to her about (and which I probably should have). It was all together a bad experience. This year, though, looks like it will be better after talking a little bit with my suite mates. They seem really nice, and two of them are juniors, so I would assume they would be much more conscientious. I'm really disappointed that I'm in a shared room again, because I've never had my own room before. Plus the room is smaller than the one I was in last year, but we'll see how that goes because so far I actually don't have a roommate.

I like most of the classes at CP so far and the teachers are great, especially the ones for my major courses. So I think I can get it together and make my grades come up. Last year I had a 7am and an 8am class one after the other, which was very bad and part of the reason I got a D in Econ. This schedule is looking good to me so far. I tried to leave big chunks of time open for volunteering/shadowing at clinics around town, which I really hope I'm able to do. The last few times I tried to get involved I was brushed off. Very discouraging... though I plan on going to each place in person and taking a resume + cover letter this time. And I think my chances might be better since SLO is a much smaller place than LA. Fingers crossed!

Click here if you're interested in seeing my Fall 2011 schedule :]

"...might as well drop out of school, don't waste your grandma's money."

This was said to me by someone who I thought I was close to for a miniscule amount of time. On different occasions they said a lot of rude things to me as a result of a falling out, which I won't go into.

As I said before I have trouble believing in myself. I have in fact contemplated dropping out of school because of my low sense of self-efficacy, but it was never serious. Even if I wanted to I would still finish my bachelors degree since it is my Grandma's money being spent. She has saved up for my college education since I was a baby, and it would be horrible to disappoint her in that way.

These words stick out to me from everything that was said. However, instead of breaking me down, which was the ill-mannered intention, it motivates me. Because deep down inside I know that I am capable. I know that I can succeed and be great, even if most of the time I let myself feel defeated and overwhelmed. And it's plain old irritation and hardheadedness that is pushing me to prove them wrong and do exactly the opposite of what they "expect."

I am awesome, so suck it!

The first of (probably) many entries!

This is my blog. Hello :]

I've been reading lots of other people's blogs lately, so I guess I'm following the herd and starting my own now! Basically I'm a soon-to-be-sophmore student at Cal Poly San Luis Obispo, studying Animal Science (thinking about a minor in Biotechnology), and wanting to eventually get into vet school. My first year in college wasn't really what I was expecting, though I also expected very little. I feel that I mostly ghosted through the year, kinda spacey and unfocused (and my roommate "issues" didn't help much).

I never had much real experience with animals, which is one thing that made me feel left out. Many of the others in my class had grown up on a ranch, worked on a farm, were involved with 4H (which I was hardly aware existed), or did a ton of volunteering at shelters and clinics already by the time they came to CP. Despite that, I feel like I've learned a lot already and am slightly amazed at some of the stuff I was allowed to do already.

One of my fist misadventures was performing a fecal float on samples taken from some of the foals on campus. I've been able to draw blood from a horse, given pre-op drugs to a cat that was getting neutered, watched said neuter (along with another on a dog and a few spays), given a cat and a horse vaccinations, captured cattle in a squeeze chute, watched the cattle get vaccinations and freeze-brands, dissected a stillborn fetal pig, learned how to make basic sutures, handled horses and cattle, and of course practiced basic exams on both dogs and horses. Oh, and we watched a horse castration and wolf tooth extraction as well!

I doubt myself a lot, but every time I get to do stuff like that it's amazing, and I know that this is what I want to be involved in. I know I would like to be a vet, but the real question is if I am motivated enough to get there and actually get through it. For now I'll just try to focus on the now, and my measly 2.5 GPA that I walked away with this year (including the D I need to make up in econ, BLEH). I'm resolving myself to do great next year, and get my GPA back up where it should be. I don't think I'll ever be an A student, so lets shoot for straight B+'s!